Happiness vs. Peace

Remember when you were in 6th or 7th grade and your teacher asked you to write down what you would be doing in ten years? I did this exercise 3-4 times throughout my school years. My list usually looked something like this:

1. Have my Master's/Ph.D

2. Be successful

3. Move back north

4. Have kids

5. Get married

Coming from a single parent family I never really felt the need to get married and be a mom. I was always proud that I was the only girl in class who didn't put being married first. To be honest, I put it last to make a statement. I was the kind of kid who wanted to be recognized for standing out or thinking of something no one else did and the teacher would always applaud me for not being afraid to be different. Even into my early 20's I knew that my education would be more important than any man I could ever meet. I used to tell all my friends "Love isn't guaranteed but no one can ever take your education away from you." I never saw Terry coming or even imagined that being a wife would be one of the greatest accomplished of my life, but this is not a post on my marriage or love...I will cover that one day. Now back to my list...

Like most children I wanted to be happy. I wanted to have everything required for happiness. As a child, and even into early adulthood, I thought that a lot of my happiness depended on others. I had always prided myself in being a loyal friend and demanded it back from my friends. As I grew up and started to decide on a career or profession I choose one that involved helping people. I figured what better way to be happy then to devote my time helping those who, due to mental illness, were unable to help themselves. And lastly I thought that happiness was dependent upon my education attainment after all, I come from a family of very educated women. Before long it was time to execute my plan of happiness. I developed a very close group of friends to whom I was completely loyal and almost possessive of, I worked my way into a very decent occupation and job title, and I was on my way to getting my master's and graduating with honors. With the addition of Terry I was happier than ever. By the time I was 26 I felt like I was on the perfect path to where I needed to be. My family and friends even saw the happiness that had engulfed my life. Sure there where everyday trouble, minor hiccups, and some drama but nothing more than you "average" person. So why did I still feel incomplete inside?

It wasn't long after that when I found out I was pregnant. Well into my second trimester I decided that as a Mom it was my responsibility to live the life I wanted my child to live. I wanted to raise my child with a great understanding of God. I remember God always being a part of my life and our household. I can't actually tell you when or how, but faith had always been the cornerstone of my home growing up. I remember seeing my mom pray and how she would wake up before everyone else and spend her morning in quiet, usually doing a devotional. For those of you who know my Mom; you know that she is a woman of unwavering faith and has this unassuming sense of peace that makes you want to be around her. I decided that I wanted to be that type of mom too. With Terry Paul's birth only days away I made my 2011 resolution. I wanted to develop a closer, more intimate relationship with God. This choice was not made for me, but for my son who I knew deserved to be born into a life/household of peace. 2011 did bring me closer to God and my faith. 2012 seemed to only make things better and I was on my way to, what I thought, was pure happiness. 

So let's recap for a second: friends + occupation + education + Terry + Terry Paul + increase faith =happiness. Now for the tricky part, ask me if I was at peace. Was my soul content? Were my days easy and less stressful? The answer is an astounding NO. Drama seemed to fill every aspect of my life. I felt so much anger to so many people. I had started to second guess my masters, my career, and my friends. All of the things that I thought I needed to be happy were causing me so much turmoil. I was angry, bitter, unhappy, and full of anxiety. I soon realized that I had my priorities in the wrong place. It was then that I decieded ascribed to the age old hierarchy of God, husband, family and within weeks everything had changed. It was right around this time that the potential to move the North Dakota was mentioned. We were waiting on the offer from Terry's company to see if it was a sound financial decision. I remember talking to my Mom and telling her "Even if it doesn't work out I am so thankful to know that I finally have peace. I am finally living my life in a way that if I move the three most important people in my life move with me, God, Terry, and Terry Paul." Needless to say, my Mom understood and she too was proud of the peace I had finally found.

So here I sit, happy, peaceful, fulfilled, and every other synonym you can imagine. I have no regrets leaving my friends or my job. I am sad about leaving my family but they know that this is where I need to be. And even tonight, with Terry in Texas I am literally all alone.....can you hear the peace...the calm that overcomes my spirit? My soul is smiling and I hope that yours is too.